HAVE you ever been told you don鈥檛 look like a 鈥渞eal鈥� lesbian? I have.
My orientation is a surprise for people whose default setting is that everyone is straight until otherwise confirmed. In this line of thinking, having short hair and tattoos is the equivalent to walking around with a rainbow aura.
鈥淚鈥檇 never have guessed it鈥檚 not very obvious. You鈥檙e one of those lipstick lesbians,鈥� is said to me in a tone suggesting this was some sort of personal accomplishment 鈥� that my very attire was designed to hide my gayness.
An article from the 1980s by writer Patsy Lynch in issue 40 of Outweek called 鈥楲esbian ladies (or where did all the femmes go?)鈥� resonates more than it should.
In what Lynch calls 鈥渁ttire phobia鈥�, Cynthia Yockey, a lipstick lesbian as now popularly known, describes how she felt in the LGBTI community in the 80s.
鈥淚 had been reading articles about what makes a woman, straight or gay: Clothing seemed to be important. I thought it rather silly for someone to tell me how I should dress to be a real woman. I am a real woman and a lesbian. I will decide how I dress and behave,鈥� she told Lynch.
鈥淭here seems to be a 鈥榙ress code鈥� which is rigidly followed. Because I wear feminine attire, I was disowned, even persecuted, by this community. I鈥檇 rather be alone than tolerate this abuse.鈥�
Attire phobia is hopefully less of an issue in 2014. Yet the term 鈥渓ipstick lesbian鈥� perpetuates. When told that I don鈥檛 look like a 鈥渞eal鈥� lesbian, it prompts the question: exactly what is expected to fit into our crowd and to be seen as part of the community by those outside of it? There鈥檚 even a 鈥渓ipstick lesbian problems鈥� Tumblr. Here鈥檚 the extent of them: 鈥淲hen you get your hair cut super short and people think you鈥檙e becoming butch鈥� and 鈥淲hen not even your girlfriend believes you鈥檙e gay鈥�.
The more people that are surprised when non-stereotypical lesbians come out, the more obvious it is we have a problem.
Lesbianism does not have an appearance 鈥� I was never given the secret style handbook. Those who seem feminine are not necessarily putting in some special effort to hide their homosexuality and they don鈥檛 always want a heteronormative role. 鈥淏utch鈥� women, another deplorable label, are also not automatically there to fill a typically male role.
If there鈥檚 anything the recent Ruby Rose Break Free short film shows us, it鈥檚 that external wrappings have very little to do with who you are. It鈥檚 quite preposterous to think that you can tell someone鈥檚 sexual preference by just looking at them.
Labelling among ourselves allows our relationships to be subject to bizarre questions. One of the more common ones is: 鈥淲ho is the man in your relationship?鈥� Of course, they鈥檙e not suggesting that either one of you is biologically male 鈥� they鈥檙e suggesting that one of you plays the role.
And queries like this: 鈥淚 don鈥檛 have a problem with lesbians but why do they always want women that look like men?鈥�
What they fail to understand is that lesbianism has never been about appearance. As a result of these butch/femme stereotypes it is often seen as though you鈥檙e roleplaying a straight relationship. In effect, it suggests that two females can鈥檛 have a fulfilling relationship without one playacting masculinity. That鈥檚 not exactly a positive message.
Society has enough issues around women鈥檚 roles to not be adding this extra layer of confusion to our own community. When younger it was often hard to shake off the unnerving sensation of being the straight girl that had stumbled into the gay bar, despite my queer orientation.
Identity is a big deal for many people. Slowly understanding my character took a lot of effort, a lot of inadequacy fears, and a lot of self-esteem blunders. The excruciating unhappiness that comes from not feeling like you belong, and most in the LGBTI crowd are able to attest to that feeling, is sadly perpetuated by these notions that in order to be a proper lesbian you need to fit certain characteristics.
This was perfectly expressed when Ellen DeGeneres called herself a 鈥渃hapstick lesbian鈥� in 1997. That is, she struggled to fit herself into the currently-defined boxes and so picked another of her own devising. This is likely easier for a 39-year-old adored American comic personality than for an unsure teen struggling with her sexuality.
Being a 鈥渞eal鈥� lesbian is not about how you present. I鈥檓 not hiding behind a straight fa莽ade 鈥� I鈥檓 traditionally feminine and proudly gay. Lesbianism has nothing to do with dangerous labels and it鈥檚 time to cast them aside.
Jennifer Duke is a proud lesbian and the editor of . Follow her on Twitter:聽
**This article first appeared in the . The November聽issue will hit the streets on聽Thursday, October 16.聽聽in Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Adelaide, Canberra and select regional areas.聽
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Once people find out about me they always say I never would have guessed or you don’t look gay. It is really annoying. I am not hiding my sexuality in fact most people know about it now. I just like wearing makeup, dresses and doing my hair. There is nothing wrong with that. I also want that type of girl in my life again nothing wrong with that. I do not want to have a man in my life or a woman that personifies a man. I’m not degrading those that do that is their choice but I understand this article. If you are a girly girl you tend to have people question your sexuality when you come out to them.
Great article.
Justine Bedser this is what we were discussing!
I completely agree with this! It’s so misinterpreted and moulded into boxes that people think they need to fit which is unfortunate!
This is just your opinion based on the world that you live in. Butch is not a “deplorable label” it’s how I feel within and I have felt this way since I was a child. Butch is only a word to describe how I present my gender identity and the things that I associate with the world around me, which happen to be male identified. This article about “attire-phobia” is written by someone that is also attire-phobic. I mean seriously don’t we have enough phobias without someone making a new one up every day? Oh and yes, I love femmes.
I don’t think it was calling our beautiful butches deplorable but rather that our society feels the need to further compartmentalise us based on appearance.
What does a straight person look like? Who cares? We are just people.
You know the wonderful thing about people learning about binary and non-conformity is that some people get this deluded thought process that, to use an identifier which apparently polarises is some kind of wrong.
Which in itself is fucking hilarious.
So someone identifies as Butch, Stone, Femme, Lipstick, Chapstick? Why does it even fucking matter when it’s how THEY identify, and it sure as hell isn’t something to discredit a female loving females.
Agreed!
I do get that a lot of people find comfort in the butch/femme labels but I sort of agree with this article in how it points out that the labels are really problematic, but I suppose that’s because straight people have misunderstood the queer lady community and turned the labels into something problematic. Still you always hear about how butches can’t get jobs, are abused/assaulted, etc but you never hear about the other side of the coin (even though statistically feminine people are more likely to experience these things?) So I dunno, I find it refreshing to hear about the other side for a change.
Being butch isn’t “deplorable.” Neither is being any other gender identity. It’s totally great there are lesbians out there who don’t express or own or identify with any measure of gender-nonconformity, but while your goals for the community may feel liberating to you, they feel oppressive to me. In fact, I avoid much of “lesbian community” for the seeming de facto anti-butch and anti-femme stance many have. And btw butch and femme aren’t sexual positions. They are gender identities. The existence of butches or “lipstick lesbians” in no way negates people who are neither. There is room for all of us. You don’t have to diminish one segment of the community to embrace the segment you fit into.
like it or not we still look at ppl & guess their preference….its called human nature
The hypocrisy of this makes me want to intellectually vomit. HAVE I ever been told I don鈥檛 look like a 鈥渞eal鈥� woman? Yes, I have, and it was because I am fabulously butch.
HAVE you ever been told you don鈥檛 look like a 鈥渞eal鈥� lesbian? No, I haven’t. But I been abused for being butch, yes.
Fucking hell I hate this article.
Neither do Gay guys have this “appearance”, where everyone creates in their head.
I totally understand what you are saying!…I am a women who dresses feminine and people are so shocked when I say I’m gay!..I feel I have to almost say it as part of my introduction to people!…and it’s really difficult when I’m out as even gay women don’t think I’m gay!..I don’t want to have to dress more ‘gay’ to be noticed, however, I have considered it!..being a lesbian is something you are, not how you look…
You’re right, the adjective in front of the word lesbian is probably unnecessary, but as a person who at one point identified as a ‘butch’ lesbian, I can assure you I did not find it deplorable.
Sexual orientation and gender identity are two different things, but there are places where they intertwine. Dressing in clothing normally meant for men – wearing ties and fedoras, cologne – it’s a part of who I am. It’s how I express my gender, and in part it’s how I express my sexual orientation.
We all have labels. It comes from this need to be able to place everything in our lives in compartments so we can better handle the world around us. So long as we do not use those labels to demean and belittle others, it’s okay. Labels help us cope with the world around us. It’s when we let labels become stereotypes that they truly become an issue.
I understand that everyone has their own space in this world, and their ideas about how everything should fit together. I also understand that I might not fit into a compartment in their world. And it’s not fair to expect them to twist their world to find a place for me to fit. It’s also not fair for them to expect me to shed layers of myself so that I fit into one of their compartments. Acceptance is give and take.
We all struggle to find our place in this world. If being a butch lesbian helps you find your place, then there is absolutely no shame in that.
You get to define who you are.
Nothing like the ‘wise’ words of an angst ridden middle class lesbian telling the rest of us ill informed lesbians of the butch femme variety ‘playing a role’ how deluded and deplorable we are and how it really should be.
Is that your real name? I swear that is the best effing name I have ever seen *high fives*
Props for reference to Will & Grace ;-)
I get mistaken for a lesbian when I shave… So maybe a lesbian looks like me
We come in all shapes, sizes and stylings. Personally I like being subtly visible, it gives me a sense of being part of the queer tribe. It’s also helps with connecting with our community. Getting the knowing wink or smile from a member of our *family* puts a spring in my step and provides a feeling of acceptance in an otherwise hostile world. x
I’m straight- but what does that mean! The main thing is- we are respectful individuals to each other and sadly- where has that gone!
What does a typical lesbian look like? Easy! Female.
Here here! I will never forget the night I was asked if I am confused, as I don’t uphold a gay image.
Thank god i look like me
Andrew Gibbo Greensill
Seriously? Who the hell uses the term “lipstick lesbian” any more? Secondly, what right does this person have to tell butches that identifying as such is deplorable? I think the writer needs to spend less time in the eastern suburb.
I’m actually a Sydney westie now living in the far west of Melbourne, but there you go!
I think you’ve missed the most important point in all the comments – calling butch deplorable. Also, lipstick lesbian is a term coined by 90’s media, we call ourselves femme.
Lily, some lesbians still use it as their identifier. No need to discredit any identifiers by using such a sweeping generalisation as: “we call ourselves femme”. :/
So, not like the way the author discredited butch women by calling their identity deplorable?
Very funny Tess Emery.. NO
Jenny Goldsmith
look like a man
The Star like to Project Crap just like they think it’s ok to out people of their own free will – simply to gain the right to marry! Is much rather do it with dignity and respect and wait then do it by means other than those in which are moral and correct! But anyhow!
Kay Harrison Claire
Being called butch is not deplorable….that sounds like a projection of your crap….if you are too scared to be who you are then hide in whatever label you feel comfy…..but don’t you tell those butches swaggering down king st on a Wednesday night that someone is calling them a terrible name…..long live the butch
Absolutely love butches
Absolutely love femmes
I hear ya hallie
We have to visit some time Yvonne
Yeah ….seems like you are just down the road now
We are close