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In this month’s Grey Matters column, Peter Benn discusses National Coming Out Day, as well as the nuances of coming out and his lived experience of being outed. 

My coming out moment was not of my choosing. 

It was my father-in-law’s choice, as I was married back then. It was the first time that my parents, who lived in a small country town, knew of their son’s alternative life.

I understand that the telephone call to my father began with, “Do you know the real reason why Peter is leaving his wife?” 

Later, Dad telephoned me to ask if it was true.

Without hesitation, I declared: “Yes, it’s true”. 

It was my moment of liberation, expressing my self-belief and taking control of my destiny.

After that one phone call, my gayness was never spoken of again. It was buried forever by my father, with the hope that I would never embarrass him or his RSL mates by seeing me in a dress or makeup.

My parents’ love for me continued unabated, as if nothing had ever happened.

Only as a widow did my mother speak of her desire for my happiness and safety. She even laughingly called me a “nancy boy” when I showed her a photo of myself in drag for a ‘Fantasy Ball’ event. Mothers know more than you realise. 

Would I have preferred to have made my own coming out announcement?

No, I don’t think so, for I was already at a moment in my life where I was beginning to follow my true self. The quick succession of marriage breakup events allowed me to make the life I chose truly mine, and live it as honestly and proudly as I could manage.

October 11th is National Coming Out Day. It’s a celebration for those of us who are ‘out’ and a reminder that it’s a privilege to live in a country where that is possible. Many of our brothers and sisters in other countries are not (as yet) so fortunate.

It’s also okay not to come out. It’s desirable but not obligatory. You’re on your own unique journey so just be as true to yourself as possible.

You can read more about coming out and .