今日吃瓜

THERE are two types of people in this world: the ones who attract relationships, and the ones who don鈥檛.

I happen to fit in the latter category, as I jokingly said to a friend recently on the fifth anniversary of my own bachelordom.

鈥淵ou know why?鈥� he asked in response.

鈥淏ecause guys view you as a mistress. You鈥檙e not wife material.鈥�

Um, what?

Initially brushing off my friend鈥檚 theory, it came crashing back at me like a comedown at Mardi Gras when a few days later a 鈥渂uddy鈥� told me that he had met someone, and to continue our relationship we needed to keep things 鈥渄iscreet鈥�.

It鈥檚 a common perception that homosexual men are far more frivolous than their heterosexual counterparts and while I declined my now ex-buddy鈥檚 offer, my own sexual history flashed before my eyes and in that enlightening moment I wondered if perhaps, just perhaps, my friend might be right.

In fact, one study has shown that gay relationships are more successful if they鈥檙e 鈥渕onogamish鈥� – a phrase coined by gay author Dan Savage that refers to gay relationships which are mostly monogamous, but with a bit of 鈥渨riggle room鈥�.

The study of 800 men by New York鈥檚 Centre for HIV Educational Studies and Training showed some surprising stats. Around 40 per cent of respondents said they were partnered, with 42 per cent of those claiming to be in open or 鈥渕onogamish鈥� relationships.

鈥淭he diversity in types of non-monogamous聽relationships was interesting and something that hasn鈥檛 been explored very much in research studies,鈥� said Dr. Jeffrey Parsons, who headed the study.

鈥淭ypically gay men have been categorized as monogamous or not 鈥� and our data shows that it is not as black and white.鈥�

The men in these types of relationships showed lower depression rates in comparison to their single counterparts and a higher rate of life satisfaction than those in closed relationships.

鈥淥ften people may assume that… non- monogamous relationships are inherently 鈥榣ess healthy鈥� in some way,鈥� researcher Dr. Tyrel Starks said.

But apparently, they鈥檙e not. So are we onto something here? Have we broken the circle of life? And if we have, why do I feel like a sucker (and not in a good way)?

Is my choice of bad relationships and bad boys to blame for the label?

I remember when I was younger I used to say such things like 鈥業鈥檒l never have a threesome鈥�, and 鈥淚鈥檒l never have sex before I know my relationship is legit,鈥� but the harsh reality is that relationships don鈥檛 work that way in the gay world. We鈥檙e complicated individuals, driven by sex, materialism and our dicks.

Does that make me want to be someone鈥檚 mistress? Hell no.

I鈥檝e been on the receiving end of a couple鈥檚 bedtime fantasies and the one thing I鈥檝e learned is that they鈥檙e never forever.

I want forever.

I almost feel like it鈥檚 just become okay to sleep around. But after years of revolving doors and several partners, I can鈥檛 help but wonder if my brain has normalised my behaviour into聽something that I believe is acceptable to my partner鈥檚 鈥� and the community. And on the flip side, have my partners become so normalised they think it鈥檚 okay to keep me as a tasty side?

The answer came from an unlikely source 鈥� Siri.

Without even discussing the topic with another friend of mine, I received a text message a few days after the 鈥渕istress鈥� fiasco that set me on the right path.

鈥淲eirdest Siri experience yet鈥�, the text said, with a picture alongside what looked to be a frustrating discussion with Apple鈥檚 virtual personal assistant.

鈥淒o you want me to remember that Young, Matt is your wife?鈥�

Just like that, out of the blue.

If that鈥檚 not the universe telling me something, I don鈥檛 know what is.

There鈥檚 still hope. There鈥檚 still forever.

Matt Young is a journalist for 聽where he is often seen reporting on LGBTI issues to a national, mainstream audience. He tweets under

Thinking of becoming “monogamish”? Gay men’s counsellor Gerry North has some tips for you .