I’m bored of talking about polyamory
I鈥檓 polyamorous and I鈥檓 bored by it.
Not by polyamory itself, but by talking about it.
When I first ventured into open relationships, I was extremely into it. Most people are.
I read the books, and I went to the meetings, and I wanted to learn the terminology and discuss the philosophy. For perhaps the first year I was keen to talk to people at every opportunity about what poly means.
I talked about metamours and compersion and triads and fluid bonding. It was all exciting to have a new group of friends I could learn about these things with. The shared ideas and language made for a sense of community that I enjoyed while I was settling into doing relationships differently.
That was about six years ago now, and since then polyamory has just become a normal part of my life. I don鈥檛 like to go on about it now, any more than I want to interrogate a regular couple about the philosophies behind their monogamy.
I鈥檓 bored to death by the buzzwords and the stock arguments about the unnaturalness of monogamy. It鈥檚 all so鈥� unnecessary.
I tend not to even use the word anymore, I just tell people I have more than one partner. Interestingly, they seem to accept it more easily when it鈥檚 put like that, rather than In An Open Relationship or Practising Polyamory.
That said, people are becoming more accepting of poly and different models of relationships. When I first started seeing more than one person, I was terrified of work finding out.
I was actually more worried about being out as poly than as queer because I was so afraid of how people would react.
I don鈥檛 really care now. I鈥檓 well past any inclination to hide it, and I鈥檇 be surprised if anyone finding out was really that fussed about it. I鈥檓 aware of one person having been fired from their job a couple of years ago for being poly but that was from a Catholic organisation. Say no more, right?
I do get a bit snarky when people make assumptions about polyamory, like you must have one 鈥榩rimary鈥� partner, or that the whole thing is doomed to fail because it鈥檚 not monogamy. Few things annoy me more than people referring to a breakup as 鈥榩oly gone wrong鈥�. Come on now, we don鈥檛 call your divorces 鈥榤onogamy gone wrong鈥�.
The world does seem on the whole to be moving towards more acceptance of different types of relationships. I admittedly have the privilege of living and working in a city, and I鈥檓 much more comfortable being out as myself here than I might be somewhere rural.
In 2017, when most people are pretty okay about gay folks, and trans folks, and other people who aren鈥檛 in heteronormative relationships, I find it鈥檚 pretty safe to be out as poly as well. People tend to assume, in fact, that if you鈥檙e queer you must be non-monogamous. Which is probably a terrible thing to assume about someone if they鈥檙e not, but that鈥檚 a whole other discussion.
These days I鈥檓 not worried about anyone knowing I鈥檓 poly. I got all the talking about it out of my system years ago, and now I can鈥檛 really think of anything more tedious. I鈥檒l certainly talk to you about my partners, but it鈥檚 pretty difficult to draw me into a conversation about what it all means.
As far as discussion topics go, having more than one partner is about as exciting to me as having more than one friend.
Not only should we have just marriage equality for two prople of the same gender, but let’s also legally allow polygamy too!
You are lucky. Many poly folks don’t leave in such welcoming places. So I’d say enjoy it, but also understand why for many people it’s still important to talk about this and have activist-like attitudes.
Your part of the world might be moving in a certain direction, but that’s not the whole world.
Thanks for the article!