OPINION: Three’s a crowd
When my two mothers separated after 28 years in 2005, one of the most frustrating reactions was that of a few of their friends, some of whom seemed to feel genuinely let down that my parents had failed in their role as poster parents for the same-sex family. Such was their disappointment that some were angry and quite cruel; they saw the end of our family as somehow affecting their own.
I see this play out time and again in my own community, where the breakdown of one relationship becomes such a major part of other people鈥檚 lives, as if groups of friends are all part of some melodramatic polygamous marriage. Instead of asking the parties how they are (and then listening to them!), people make it about themselves, projecting their own fears and guilt onto those involved.
This is especially bad when one of the partners in the relationship breakdown has been unfaithful or fallen in love with someone else. The amount of self-righteous crap hurled at the member of a relationship who leaves can be astonishing. I understand why the partner who has been left is angry and hurt, sure, but why is it the role of mutual friends to judge and punish the 鈥済uilty party鈥�?
I think a big part of the problem is the idea that loving someone 鈥� and remaining sexually and emotionally monogamous 鈥� is a moral or ethical position, rather than an emotional state. When our friends do something we deem unethical, we see fit to comment, judge or confront them about it. But is falling in love with someone really an ethical decision?
I don鈥檛 think it is. The decision to stay sexually or emotionally monogamous is a personal choice, and falling in love is the business only of the parties involved. When friends and family get involved in break-ups, they further complicate them, alienating the partner they think has committed the ethical misstep. Feeling hurt or self-righteous on behalf of the 鈥榠njured鈥� party can also add to their suffering, making them feel like a victim, and prolonging their post-relationship recovery.
While these judgments and fights happen in straight communities, I think there can be more emotional investment by friends of queer pairings 鈥� and not just because of the increased likelihood that one鈥檚 friends are one鈥檚 exes! I think we鈥檙e desperately seeking role models, examples of ways to love each other. We haven鈥檛 seen them while growing up, so we look to our friends for examples of how to live. Unfortunately, people inevitably disappoint us because they don鈥檛 make the decisions we like to think we would make if in their shoes.
Creating a set of moral rules to guide relationships may seem like a good idea, but placing constraints on emotion rarely ends well. I鈥檇 rather make the choice to be with my partner than stay with her because I should. Every day I choose not to be with someone else, not because I think it鈥檚 the ethically 鈥榬ight鈥� thing to do, but because I鈥檝e weighed up the pros and cons of doing otherwise and I continue to think it鈥檚 the right decision for me.
This decision is mine and hers, not that of my friends. So if we ever change our minds, I鈥檇 ask them to respect us equally and give us space to work it out between us, rather than trying to get involved.
By day, Maeve Marsden is a project manager, coordinating advocacy and education programs. By night, she publishes her opinions on the internet and performs with cabaret act, Lady Sings it Better. Twitter:聽@maevegobash
something I notice about myself is that I can fall into the trap of judging people on ‘how’ they break up. The ‘why’ doesn’t bother me as I regard it as natural for humans to move on and want to be intimate with others but I seem to really mind about how ethical we are when doing the breaking up. Are we passive aggressive and do we withhold affection until our partner is forced to take a stance on our behalf and end the relationship, for instance? Are we able to be honest? Can we risk hurting the other by stating our true feelings about someone else? Can we admit to wanting both, the security and love within the familiar and the erotica within the new?
i observe that it invariably is our dishonesty OR our inability to respect and honour truth, however much it hurts that creates schisms for our friends thereby encouraging them to take sides. It is really up to us to prevent what you have written about, Maeve
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I was absolutely shocked at the responses and reactions I witnessed after breaking up with my partner of 10 years! From tears to sadness and, most shockingly, anger I wonder to this day why the perceived failure of my relationship (I regard it as more of a logical ending) was considered to be so shocking and disappointing by friends and strangers alike. I can only conclude that it prompts people to reflect on their own relationship insecurities. I wish people could be more respectful of an obviously well thought through decision to end a relationship and, if they really can’t get their head around it, to please keep their judgements to themselves.
Exactly, Jess. Mostly, I think the judgment is an indication of people’s own fears and insecurities. If genuine harm has been done (eg partner abuse), then I can understand friends getting involved. But when someone just chooses to leave, how is it anyone else’s business?