Healthy sex in the Grindr city
Negotiating sex is easier than ever before with the advent of the internet and contact platforms like Grindr but are these technologies preventing us from forming healthy relationships with our gay brothers? It is after all so easy to have a great deal of casual sex with intensity but no real intimacy.
Being constantly exposed to this form of sexual contact over time can also easily lead to casual sex addiction, resulting in deep down, but often denied, loneliness.
As humans we naturally seek intimacy, the sharing of our and others鈥� lives that involves genuine communication. It is up to us all to humanise these technologies so we behave positively to our gay brothers and at the same time protect ourselves from psychological harm.
In times gone by, bars were used as meeting places for men seeking sex and it was necessary to learn the skills of wit, humour and charm to communicate what you desired. Over a few drinks you could find out about someone and make decisions about whether you wanted to take the situation further. Meeting men in this way provided some foundation for forming ongoing friendships and possible ongoing partnerships. Bars provided a far more human way of meeting new people for sex than the internet.
However, the world and the community have moved on and finding sex using mediums like Grindr are now a fact of modern gay life. It seems bars and nightclubs are no longer used for those seeking sex but merely places to socialise, as it is much easier, quicker and it takes less effort to use the internet. I find this a great shame but maybe I am being a tad nostalgic.
The question now arises is how do we use these modern contact mediums while at the same time protecting ourselves from psychological harm. That psychological harm can take many forms 鈥� experiencing rejection, feeling used and spiritually empty, lying about yourself and your own profile, and the possibility of becoming addicted to casual sex鈥檚 intensity without intimacy.
I think a good idea is to work out first what you really want and how you will behave when using these mediums for obtaining sex. By writing it down first, you externalise your values from the beginning and you are more likely to remain in control of what happens rather than just becoming a victim of it.
Being genuine and authentic is also one way of staying in real control. Expressing in your profile what you really want and who you really are is important. Write down some ground rules about your behaviour and what you expect of others.
I know some gay men who encourage meeting first for coffee or a chat to see if they can form some early form of intimate communication. By doing this, they are more likely to establish something real in the beginning that will make the experience more meaningful.
Maybe casual sex is all you want from this form of contact and that is fine if that is all both parties desire. It is all about being in control and feeling happy about meeting men in this way.
Technology is here to stay and it is up to us all to think about how we can use it that allows us to be in control rather than becoming a victim of it. It is all about taking personal responsibility to avoid psychological damage to ourselves and our gay brothers.
INFO: Gerry North is a gay counsellor and can be contacted at [email protected] or
There is not enough information about the psychology behind what is really going on, which in many cases is the development of a addicative behaviour. From my experience and observations it is de-sensitising ‘casual sex’ which is not necessarily a good thing. With apps like Grindr, it is very easy to ‘get a hit’ when your bored or need a pick me up. My question to many of my friends has been – ‘how are you going to stop when you meet someone and it becomes serious’ and of course many deny there is even an issue. In fact, Grindr is not only being used find casual sex, it is used to find ‘casual intimacy’. Upon questioning some friends I was suprised that few realised you can have sex with out intimacy and intimacy without sex.. healthy realationships – I think not.
There is alot to be said for the skills and effort needed to go to a bar an meet someone. While, I find Grindr interesting and keep watch daily, I can still count on one hand the number of guys I have met through Grindr (with fingers left over) in a 3 year period, I much prefer to meet someone in a club or social setting.
If you knew of any papers or reading on casual intimacy – would love to be pointed in the right direction….
I agree that we need to use technology in a positive way, but I think you’re romanticising times past. Not everyone was going to bars and effortlessly using their wit and charm, some were heading down to their local toilet block where anonymous sex with a person you might not even see the face of was the norm.
The internet is as human as you make it, and the spectre of ‘casual sex addiction’ has always been with us:
I deleted Grindr and Scruff from my iPhone months ago. For my own health and happiness I had to get out. My involvement with these services would have to be one of the worst gay experiences I have had in my life. It seems that many guys on these services are very comfortable hiding behind their online profiles and treating others they find unattractive with disdain and stuffing others around at will. Being on the receiving end of that treatment is soul destroying.