Four evil horsemen that destroy relationships
Which couples are more likely to stay together 鈥� the ones that argue or those that don鈥檛?
The answer: it all depends on the couple. Some couples agree not to argue because they hate confrontation and they decide not to make issues out of most things.
However, some couples argue all the time and still have a healthy relationship. It鈥檚 all about how you argue and keeping four evil horsemen away from the home.
John Gottman, a famous couples therapist, determined there are four evil 鈥渉orsemen鈥� that ride over the hill, enter your home and destroy your relationship: criticism, contempt, being defensive and stonewalling. He concluded that it is okay to complain about your partner鈥檚 behaviour with the use of 鈥淚鈥� statements.
鈥淚 felt embarrassed when you would not have sex.鈥� This sort of complaint is fighting fair.
Criticism, on the other hand, would be, 鈥淵ou do it every time, don鈥檛 you? You don鈥檛 tell me you are tired and you enjoy seeing me embarrassed鈥�.
Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen as this is where it gets very personal. 鈥淵ou fucking bitch, how did I know you were tired?鈥�
Couples with contempt for each other will eventually break up or engage in an ongoing hateful and terribly unhappy relationship.
Being defensive means not listening to the other and just opposing everything said. 鈥淕et used to it, I always make sure I鈥檓 tired when you want sex,鈥� rather than replying, 鈥淲hy don鈥檛 we plan to have sex earlier in the night then?鈥�
The last of the four horsemen is stonewalling 鈥� walking away mentally or physically and leaving the argument unresolved. Men are more likely than women to do this.
Arguing is normal and healthy; you just have to be nice about it. I know that sounds ridiculous and impossible to consider when arguing. But it has been proven, the argument that starts loud and ugly ends up louder and uglier.
The trick is practising not to react when one person decides to tell you they are not happy, Jan. Stay calm, listen and respond with words like, 鈥淜eep going, get it all out as I need to hear it all鈥�.
This validates the other person鈥檚 need to say what they want to say. Even if you find what they are saying is completely wrong, let them get it all out. Even say, 鈥淚s there any more you want to say?鈥�
This sounds really easy but in the heat of the moment it is a tough call to stay calm, to listen and validate the other person鈥檚 views.
What is clear though is, if the argument gets too loud and heated, it will escalate to the point where no one is listening (hot air) and the shouting of ugly destructive messages will follow.
When this is happening, raise your hand and call time out. Go for a walk then come back and try to discuss it in a calm way.
This is a tough job and requires lots of practice, practice and more practice. But this really works as you can鈥檛 solve anything when either of you are flooded.
The four horsemen will kill a very healthy and loving relationship very quickly. If you see them coming, watch out as these animals also destroy self-respect and self-love and bring out the worst shadow sides in us all.
What about writing out a simple argument plan if you are having trouble, setting out the promise to stay calm, to listen well, to validate and to agree to find a solution. That solution could be a wink, a smile, laughing or a kiss. Or even hopefully great dirty make-up sex.
So come on, what are you waiting for, start arguing.
INFO: Gerry North is a gay counsellor, specialising in couples counselling. Contact Gerry on or email [email protected]
Another great post, Gerry. When you get two men in a relationship stonewalling, it can be unbearable. The other thing that can be difficult is when a partner refuses to tell you what’s wrong, despite repeated prompting.