While attending a New Year鈥檚 Eve event with MBH (my better half), a particular topic and pet peeve seemed to come up frequently in conversation: public toilets. Why are so many lacking in hygiene or left in a state of disrepair?
I鈥檇 have to agree. Walking into a facility to face more pee on the floor than in the actual trough sucks. Not everyone is gifted with the ability to aim straight, especially after a few drinks, but you鈥檇 almost have to stand with your back to the urinal to create such a mess.
Stalls aren鈥檛 much better. I once had an encounter of the embarrassing kind while perched on the porcelain in a cubicle with a broken lock. On hearing someone approach, I placed a foot against the door, forgetting that it swung outwards, and kicked it wide open. I was just as horrified as the bloke I almost knocked over.
Then there鈥檚 the issue of toilet paper. Perfumed rolls just boggle my mind. Have you ever had someone walk up to you and say, 鈥淕ee, I just love the scent on your bum crack, what paper do you use?鈥�
Those little glossy paper squares in stall dispensers that one is meant to cover the seat with are another great invention. They not only disappear down the lavatory bowl the moment one sits down, but also do a better job of smearing than cleaning.
Washing hands can be equally as tricky. The process, as straight-forward as it should be, often falls short when the last drop of liquid soap has to be squeezed out of a stubborn container. And beware of tsunami-projecting taps. I鈥檝e left a restroom more than once looking incontinent with a huge water stain on my crotch.
If we could only take a leaf out of New Zealand鈥檚 book. I will never forget the spotless talking/singing public toilet in Wangamata. As I closed the door behind me, an ethereal voice boomed out, 鈥淒oor Closed鈥� and then added helpfully, 鈥淵ou now have ten minutes use time.鈥�
Crap, I thought, as I sat there nervously glancing at my watch when suddenly the loudspeakers came alive with Dionne Warwick singing What the World Needs Now (Is Love Sweet Love). Well, I agree with her wholeheartedly, but surely not in a lavatory. It鈥檚 just not the right romantic setting.At the washing hands stage, nine minutes and 34 seconds later, the facility boomed one last time, 鈥淭hank you for using the X-el 1000.鈥� The door automatically slid open to a wide-eyed audience and I slinked away hoping they鈥檇 heard nothing else but Dionne鈥檚 dulcet tones.
