听When I walk down a street in the Sydney gay bubble, I feel like Meghan Markle, with the eyes of the world bearing down on me. Every slight move I make is judged.
If only I were as stunning and rich as she was.
You often hear the gay stare first. It鈥檚 the crack in the neck of someone snapping sideways to take a good look at you with an expressionless face. They then pretend to bury their head into their phone before making a slower head turn – to be 鈥榙iscrete鈥� – and take another look. Their eyes scream, 鈥淏eauty fades but dumb is forever鈥� (in Judge Judy鈥檚 voice, too).听听
When did the gay stare turn into a death stare?
–听 – –
It wasn鈥檛 always like this.
Cheryl Nicholas in 2004 wrote about the gay gaze. She said we stare at people we believe are gay as a 鈥渟urvival strategy,鈥� seeking out other gay people in a community that is largely heterosexual.
Cheryl interviewed a number of people in gay cities in the US and asked them about their experiences with the 鈥渆ye-gaze.鈥� She found overwhelming joyful and positive responses – mainly people feeling like they had either found another person in their 鈥済ay community,鈥� or someone to have a sneaky hookup with. Many of the interviews ended with 鈥淭hey briefly smiled鈥� – and then both parties go on their separate ways.
So why have we stopped smiling, and instead death stare each other? I conducted some similar research to Cheryl, and hit the streets to ask the LGBTQI+ community of their experiences with the gay stare.
James, 27, said it鈥檚 a defence mechanism:
鈥淭he gay stare is a quick way of trying to have an exchange of, Do you want me? If you don鈥檛 want me [then it changes to], Look, I鈥檓 intimidating.鈥�
听鈥淵ou can鈥檛 tell if it鈥檚 a friendly gesture or an aggressive death stare. It feels like you鈥檙e constantly being objectified no matter where you are.鈥�
James has found an interesting way to confront the gay stare.
鈥淏ecause I hate the gay stare so much, when I receive a stare from someone I find attractive I yell ,鈥榊ou鈥檙e hot!鈥� or I let out a bark and enjoy seeing the reaction on their face.鈥�
Julie, 28 has also experienced the gay stare:
鈥淚t鈥檚 the look, the look away, and then the look back that is threatening. Sometimes it is flirty, but it鈥檚 mostly something I don鈥檛 like.鈥�
Asked why she thinks we death stare, she said, 鈥淚t could be a gate-keeping thing. When I receive a death stare, it is usually somebody I don鈥檛 鈥榤atch.鈥� When I had a more butch-style haircut, the stares often came from the more fem people. Now that I have a more feminine haircut, the death stares come from the other side.鈥�
–听 – –
I do think there is hope, and situations where the gay stare is still flirty. Last week while I was walking home late at night, a very attractive guy (I didn鈥檛 have my glasses on but for the sake of this story, he was hot) started giving me a few stares. We smiled at each other, he crossed the road, we got talking, and the rest is far too explicit to share.
I鈥檓 not saying you should talk to strangers like I did, or bark like James. But a smile, a nod, or a quick 鈥榟i鈥� instead of that death stare may just make someone feel a little more accepted and could even lead to something more significant.
Previously by Barrie Cradshaw:
