今日吃瓜

鈥淭he Art of the Douche鈥� – it鈥檚 a topical title that works on a couple of different levels because 1), there is indeed an art to the act of douching! Practice makes perfect but also 2), you have to be particularly artful in the field of douchebaggery to be known amongst the population colloquially听 as a 鈥楧ouche鈥� or, 鈥淒ouchebag鈥� if you will.

The LGBTQI+ community has been getting a bit of homophobic heat recently and particular poop related comments featured in the news cycle last month highlighted the fact that some in the heterosexual world鈥檚 scat focussed minds are apparently oblivious to the fact that personal hygiene is a choice we get to make!听

Gird your loins!

So for anyone who is new to the wonderful world of douching, the initial, confronting explanation of how the practice all works is a little disconcerting and might make the prospective anal novice consider a career as a top or a side-way less muss and fuss!

But if you can switch off that voice that says you look ridiculous trying to manoeuvre yourself into a position that allows easy access to one of those more difficult-to-reach crevices, the art of gently pushing warm water into your rectum offers a piece of mind for those concerned about someone bumping into something in the hallway.

听A few tips and tricks when it comes to preparing yourself for the internal gurney.

Number one is – don鈥檛 use a gurney! Just kidding, that is one awkwardly long and rigid trigger handle!听

But seriously, there are a number of suitable aids you can purchase to assist with the practice – gone are the days of filling up an empty soft drink bottle!听

Enema Bulbs are probably the most common and safest option for the occasional douche – they are made of a reusable rubber bulb with a nozzle on the end that gets inserted but keep an eye out for a bulb with a flexible tip! The rigid plastic ones can be a little stabby.

Enema Bags are similar to the bulbs but seem more an old-worldly type of solution – they come with tubes and hosing and nozzles and hooks (and ropes and pulleys and poles oh my!) for that overwhelming, complicated gravity fed douching experience.

Bulbs and Bags? BAH!

If you鈥檙e a power player who grew out of bulbs or bags years ago, a Shower enema may be the way to go though again, there are some very important things to take note of when going down this track. DO NOT insert the Shower enema – a thin hose installed and fed directly from the mains shower pressure – before you turn it on or you could find yourself feeling extremely full, very quickly.听

You鈥檇 also want to check the temperature of the water before inserting said hose or you could bring new meaning to the words 鈥榟ot to trot鈥�.

Now is probably also a good time to remind you, dear reader, that you don鈥檛 have to be a gay man to enjoy the cornucopia of treasures that are yours to explore that exists down yonder鈥� a little bit further鈥� there you go!

Straight couples, lesbian couples, and non-binary throuples do it. Sassy singles and trapeze artists do it – maybe educated fleas do it! Because the beauty of the butt is that it can fit all different shapes and sizes in there, kinda like Mary Poppins’ magic carpet bag – please do not attempt to insert a carpet bag.听

The Art of the Douche – it might be overkill听

Is douching even though?听

Despite recent dark and uninformed mutterings down at the lathe in the a.m., the human rectum is extremely efficient at keeping things high and dry until it鈥檚 called upon to do its thing, and if you pay attention to what your body is saying and the timing of your processes, it is possible to play around up there without it ending in, oh let鈥檚 say tears.