今日吃瓜

IF you haven鈥檛 tried it, when you think of online dating you might think of random hook ups, threesomes, desperate losers and crazy cat ladies.

I had never tried online dating before (straight or gay), so I had no idea what to expect. Full disclosure: I鈥檓 a bisexual woman and had previously only been in relationships with men and I thought the easiest path into the lesbian dating world might be online.

The thing that stood out the most was that so much of your interest in someone came down to your first interaction with them. A good profile is a great start: you can see that someone cute is interested in you, but what does it really say about them? What if they say 鈥測our鈥� instead of 鈥測ou鈥檙e鈥�? How am I supposed to know if I鈥檓 interested, too? And that leads me to the real question 鈥� what impression are you giving with your opening line?

My standard opening was smooth, winning and 鈥� okay, no. My opening line was usually: 鈥淗i, how was your week?鈥� Pathetic, right? But I guess I was trying to give the impression that I鈥檓 normal. Considering some of the openers I鈥檝e seen, I think it was the right choice.

After throwing myself into the deep end and signing up for 10 different sites in the first two weeks, I eventually settled on three regulars and upgraded my membership on one. The response was overwhelming. I felt like I was waving kittens and ovaries in front of everyone. I became instantly popular. And it went straight to my head. Having a pocket-sized ego-booster 鈥� sorry, I mean a mobile phone, can turn you into an addict in no time. Part of the rush of online dating is seeing the new message icon. And the more you鈥檙e online, the more people message you, boosting your ego all the more. It鈥檚 a relentless cycle. I logged in a dozen times a day. I sent my friends constant updates on my ranking within the site. In short, I became an insufferable narcissist. And my god, I loved it. I鈥檇 send out 鈥渉i, how was your week?鈥� en masse and sit back and watch the replies roll in.

To receive a message from someone is amazing. But to receive one from someone who strongly reminds you of your grandmother is not so great. When your grandmother-lookalike calls you 鈥渟weet鈥� and 鈥渄ear鈥� in one sentence and tells you how she wants to seduce you in the next… let me know how long it takes you to get out of the shower, because I was there for an hour and a half before I felt clean again.

Of course, it鈥檚 just as easy to creep someone out regardless of how much they look like their grandmother. Take the 19-year-old whose opening line was 鈥渘ice breasts鈥�. Surely people can come up with something a little more original than that? Like the woman who told me I had 鈥渆yes that tell me we would make love and make rockets explode in the sky鈥�. Or my personal favourite, 鈥測ou have cute eyeballs鈥�.

Unless it was truly offensive, I would usually respond to any message regardless of the author鈥檚 articulacy. You never know who you鈥檒l connect with, right? Although frankly, I鈥檝e been told I 鈥渓ook yummy鈥� more times than I鈥檇 care to remember. And while I can now laugh at the woman whose opener was to tell me she could make me 鈥渃um over the phone鈥�, at the time it was incredibly off-putting.

Even when you鈥檝e been chatting with someone for a while, they can still throw you for a loop. One self-described clairvoyant did a reading on me and described me as an 鈥渁bandoned building with a candle burning inside in one of the rooms鈥�. Resisting the urge to shout 鈥測our face is an abandoned building鈥�, I calmly disagreed and resolved not to talk to her again. Mature? Yes. But satisfying? No.

Another woman I was innocently (well, somewhat innocently) chatting with said 鈥淚 sent you an email鈥� and continued chatting as normal. She had sent me a graphic nude photo. I understand that some people like to show off their assets, but this was her entire portfolio. I think I threw up a little in my mouth. Thank heavens it was only a thumbnail. Not without warning please, ladies. Give me a chance to say no.

The thing was, she seemed so normal. I suppose that鈥檚 why online dating has the stigma it does. You can never really be sure about someone until you meet them in person.

Looking back, while I met people that could fit into each of those categories 鈥� I also made some genuine friends along the way.

I was also lucky; I had an instant connection with the first woman I met. Someone whose opening line was 鈥渉ey, how are you doing?鈥� She鈥檚 now my girlfriend. With an opener like that, how could it not have worked out? My straight friends have had little success with online dating. Perhaps I could lend them some of the myriad terrible opening liners I鈥檝e seen. But I suppose 鈥渘ice breasts鈥� isn鈥檛 really going to work for a straight woman.’

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**This story聽was first published in the June聽edition of the Star Observer, which is . To obtain a physical copy, to find out where you can grab one in Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Adelaide, Canberra and select regional/coastal areas.