How To Start A Conversation About Kink With Your Partner
You鈥檝e been seeing someone for a while. They鈥檙e cute and hot and your relationship is cosy. Things are going well. Is it possible to rock your world without also rocking the boat? How are you supposed to tell this lovely person 鈥淚 want you to slap me in the face, grab me by the hair and bend me over the kitchen table鈥�? Do you yell it at them and run away? Write it on a $5 Bunnings gift card? Hire a skywriter? Turns out, you can discuss kink out loud with words.
Talking about sex in general can be awkward, and talking about sex you actually want to have can be nerve-wracking. Even if your communication is excellent, you鈥檙e comfortable with each other, and you鈥檝e had lots of good sex already, revealing your most vulnerable and strange desires to another person can be stressful. If you鈥檙e in a happy partnership, bringing up kink can feel like throwing the cat-o-nine-tails amongst the pigeons.
Frame it as an exploration
Presenting kink as a fun opportunity to try something new together can make the conversation less intimidating.
It doesn鈥檛 have to be a multi-hour confessional featuring educational pop-up diagrams (though it can be, if that鈥檚 what you鈥檙e into). It can start as small as remarking 鈥榦oh that鈥檚 hot鈥� to Lucy Liu鈥檚 dominatrix costume in Charlie鈥檚 Angels, tossing out 鈥済ood boy/girl鈥� in a sext, or giving a flirty compliment about your partner鈥檚 bite strength.聽
It takes two to tango
To continue the conversation, wait for a time when you鈥檙e both relaxed, not in a rush, and not too hungry, thirsty or tired. Remember that while this is not the first time you鈥檝e thought about kink, this is the first time your partner is hearing about it, so they might need some time to process. If this initial chat goes well, it鈥檒l be the first of ten thousand conversations about kink, so don鈥檛 feel like you have to resolve everything all at once.
As well as bringing up your own desires, ask your partner if t丑别谤别鈥檚 anything new they鈥檇 like to try in the bedroom too. You don鈥檛 have to have all the answers before you start this discussion 鈥� in sex as in life, it鈥檚 common not to know how you鈥檒l feel about something until you actually try it.
Be prepared for various reactions
Your partner might immediately cry out with joy and whip out a hundred-piece fisting training kit from under the bed, or they might feel queasy at the thought of being in the same room as a feather teaser.聽
Understand that your partner might have a about kink, from excitement to insecurity to outright displeasure. They might even be interested in kinks you鈥檙e hesitant about yourself. Be prepared to listen and respect their feelings without judgement. If they express concerns or reservations, acknowledge their feelings without trying to problem-solve 鈥� but if they try to shame you for having kinky interests, know that t丑别谤别鈥檚 nothing bad or wrong with you.
Research about kink
If you鈥檙e partner鈥檚 interested in learning more, send them some , porn or audio erotica that capture what you鈥檙e after. Talk about what you like about them, and what you weren鈥檛 into too. , meetups, and even can help you delve into the specifics of techniques and safety precautions. If you鈥檙e not sure how your interests might align, fill in one of the many Yes / No / Maybe BDSM checklists available online ( ) and discuss the answers together.
Start small
After setting your , think about the specific sensations you鈥檇 like to experience. If you鈥檙e curious about spanking, is it the physical thwack, a sense of domination, a feeling of humiliation, or some combination that interests you? If you can identify the particular aspect of a scene that tickles your fancy, you can figure out tiny ways of integrating it into your usual routine.聽
If domination and submission piques your interest, just adding a blindfold to an ordinary session can instantly create a power imbalance, while also giving a space to figure out what they鈥檙e doing. Roughness can be explored by very lightly holding vulnerable places like the neck or wrists. A hierarchy can be established by one partner being physically higher or more clothed.
Control can be initiated through words 鈥� an easy way to start is describing what you鈥檙e going to do (鈥淚鈥檓 going to tickle you until you beg me to stop鈥�), describe what you鈥檙e doing (鈥淵ou鈥檙e helpless against me鈥�), and describe what you just did (鈥淚 loved to see you writhing and gasping as I teased you鈥�).
Ironing out the kinks
Every relationship is unique, and so is every couple鈥檚 journey with kink. As well as being a great way to fill a rainy Sunday afternoon, talking about kink can be a way to build greater intimacy and trust in your partnership. Unleashing this conversation can be scary 鈥� but what would life be without a little danger?
