今日吃瓜

I feel so used and pathetic and gay. He was nt cumn near me cos he LIKED me he was cumn near me COS HE LIKED MAI FWEND!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE!!!!!1 Its neva me. NEVA EVA ME! IM SO GAY!

I found my high school diary today and apart from being politically incorrect (or eerily accurate), it is鈥攁s one would expect鈥攗tterly ridiculous.

Uh, can鈥檛 think of anything to write besides LIFE SUCKS BIG TIME.

The little green exercise book labelled CONFIDENTIAL! PRIVATE! DON鈥橳 TOUCH! NOT FOR YOUR EYES! LEAVE THIS NOW! WALK AWAY reads like a Spanish-language soap opera in that it is 88 pages of sheer melodrama.

I think it needs to be pointed out that im 17 and NEVER BEEN KISSED!!! That is so pathetic, im going to die soon and I haven鈥檛 even done that! Am I so ugly, so strange, so horrible? I just don鈥檛 get it. (Yes, Zo, you are strange because on page 48 you workshop several different inscriptions you鈥檇 like considered for your tombstone including the nauseating, She aimed for beyond the stars鈥�and got there. Why, Zo? Why?) 聽

The writing, of course, is terrible. My heart hurts real bad. Not as in ow! Ow! But it feels heavy in the chest. And often it makes no sense. Need to tone up. Thighs, belly, arms are so flabby. Wish it were the 90s.

Also, it is so clich茅 that in many ways it rings false. I feel like crying. I hate my mum so much! (Sorry, mum!)

Spanning six years, my diary features all the First World problems of a privileged teenager who doesn鈥檛 know they鈥檙e privileged from restrictive parents and disagreeable teachers to body issues and friendship dramas.

I have never felt so insulted in my entire life! I spent $36 dollars on you! $36 buying you your fav CD and Playboy slippers and all you got me was a $5 child鈥檚 make-up set from Priceline! Then you have the audacity to say we鈥檙e best friends. I don鈥檛 even wear make-up and even if I did, who the hell wears green, purple and yellow!!!

But mostly it鈥檚 about boys. Gay boys to be precise.

Sayid gave me a lift home today! Omg I can鈥檛 breathe! And he taped The OC for me. Im going crazy!!! Does he like me? Nah hes just being nice. Omgsh I am so in love! What is one to do?

Truly, what IS one to do? I was masturbating to The L Word by night and envisioning a future with the gay candy bar attendant by day.

This was after the crush on my gay best friend but before my gay boyfriend. It was a very confusing time.

Now I鈥檇 like to say a lot has changed since my teenage years but in an entry titled, 鈥楳Y FIRST DANCE WITH A BOY鈥�, it would appear not.

He clasped his hands behind mai back. So I readjusted my arms around his shoulders and sorta pushed them further along. Only now im thinking shld I have clasped them behind his neck?

Yes, I鈥檓 still just as neurotic as I was at 15.

But without a doubt, my favourite entry (and this is by far the gayest shit in my diary) is a letter I鈥檇 written to a female classmate after spending the day with her in what can only be described as a sort of commemorative celebration of having just dubbed each other 鈥渂est friends鈥� (if that鈥檚 not some Oprah/Gale shit right there鈥�).

Decorated with red hearts and鈥擨 kid you not鈥攁 rainbow, it reads: Dearest my Official Bf, ___, I cannot begin to explain how much this day meant to me. I鈥檓 so proud to have you as my bf! Today, 鈥渙ur day鈥� was terrific, one of the best days ever!!! We just have such a connection that its so amazing. I just wish our 2陆 hours didn鈥檛 have to end. It was way too rushed! I love you so much, I really, really want us to be bf forever. It鈥檚 so fantastic. Thank you again. My fav part of the day was swapping our bf certificates at Myers over our chocolate milk and focaccias. It was so0o0o0o special. Just our moment, and the way we liked and disliked all the same stuff at Highpoint. Going to Collins bookstore, the games and those Asians lol [I don鈥檛 know what this is a reference to but it sounds racist, sorry.] Oh, and the running like stitches and sweating! It was the absolute best. I hope this can last til we鈥檙e eighty and old. Forever and ever. Love your Official Best Friend, Zo.

And then on the next page, She is a lying, backstabbing witch and I hate her forever.

Oh, to be a teenager again.

Zo Watt is a work-in-progress. She studied Professional Writing and Editing at university and was a selection panellist for the Melbourne Queer Film Festival for聽 five years.聽Zo hopes to one day sit fourth row centre at the Oscars and publish the novel she has yet to write. Be one of the exclusive few to follow her on Instagram聽.