It鈥檚 2018, I鈥檓 sitting around a friend鈥檚 kitchen table,聽and the two of us are sharing a pot of sweet jasmine聽tea. We briefly discuss around the table, trans men聽are real men, and as men, they are capable and聽responsible for displaying misogynistic behaviour and
upholding patriarchal patterns of behaviour that can聽cause great harm.
Some years later, this conversation echoes through聽my head as I stand in front of my full-length mirror and聽try to envision how strangers perceive me. It鈥檚 quite late聽at night, and moments earlier, I had stepped off the聽bus mindless with headphones on.
A few steps later, I聽overtake someone who had also gotten off the bus with聽me, and whose small figure I tower over. As I approach聽behind them, they nervously step off the curb, and I聽hear a small sigh of terror or relief as I walk ahead.
This聽experience is jarring for many reasons. It reminds me of聽instances of racism where strangers had clutched their聽bags as I approached, it reminds me of all the times I聽had jumped as a man had approached me from behind,聽and how guilty I felt some of the time when they were聽dark-skinned and being considered scary wasn鈥檛 just聽gender-related for them. But it mostly connected me to聽the very familiar feeling of being terrified, walking in the聽dark, late at night, phone in hand, key in hand, ready to聽fight or flee at a tap on the shoulder.
I Decided To Be More Mindful
At that moment in聽my mirror, I decided to be more mindful, I am capable聽of causing that same feeling of fright, and I refuse to be聽a mindless man, walking around accidentally terrifying聽people late at night.
Gender dysphoria, internalised transphobia, and聽simply forgetting that I am a being with flesh that is聽perceived by others and that perception is shaped by聽their experiences and biases, means that I often forget聽that me being a trans person, sometimes a trans-
man, is not simply a feeling, an ideology, an spiritual聽belief, but it is real. It is manifested in the way I look,聽the way I think and feel, and the way I interact with聽the world around me and the people in it.
Accepting聽myself as a trans man means accepting that I, like other聽trans men, am capable of causing harm, capable of聽portraying sexist traits which hurt the women around聽me. This understanding of myself has also helped聽me deeply analyse and unpick my deep-rooted all or聽nothing, either end of the spectrum, good or bad binary聽lens of seeing the world.
Punitive聽Measures Never Lead To Meaningful Change
As a man, I am capable of聽hurting those around me simply through mindlessness聽and the misogyny I have been deeply entrenched in聽my whole life. The only way to address and unlearn聽these behaviours is through addressing them within聽myself without shame, judgment and punishment, it is聽through love and understanding that we grow; punitive聽measures never lead to meaningful change. Maybe this聽same framework can be applied to the other men in my聽life, maybe not all men are Bad (#notallmen).
I am not聽the first to have these thoughts. Many great authors,聽such as Audre Lorde, have written extensively on this聽topic, but to live in the world from the side of the Bad聽Man, is a truly confrontational experience I could never聽empathise with through reading or conversation, and聽an experience that stretches me and forces me to grow聽every day.
I am left questioning every facet of my being; I often聽struggle to show emotions to those outside of my聽immediate, trusted circle, is this because I鈥檝e been taught聽that, to be a man, I need to hide my emotions? Being聽outwardly emotional is an inferior female characteristic?
Does this mean I have judgment for all the emotionally聽intuitive women around me who can access their聽emotions and really feel them so freely? Did I previously聽consider myself superior for not being an ~hysterical ~ emotional~ woman? I now analyse character traits that聽I previously saw as girl-boss-power-moves from the lens聽of a cis man portraying such traits.
My Words and聽Actions Can Have Deep and Long-Lasting Effects
If I manspread on the train, I鈥檓 not girl-boss-power-聽move carving out space for myself, but I am simply聽manspreading. It鈥檚 hard because I was not socialised聽as a man, I was not taught that I have the right to聽interrupt and to take up space the way cis men have聽been brought up to take, so I am constantly floating in聽this middle space. Trying to unlearn how small the world聽has wanted me to present myself as an Iranian woman,聽but also learning when to step back and lend space to聽those around me as a man.
All in all, this journey forces me to be more mindful of聽my words, and my actions. It repeatedly reminds me of聽my power, not the power given to me by virtue of being聽a man, but simply by reminding me that my words and聽actions can have deep and long-lasting effects on those聽around me and I need to take responsibility for that.
