Trigger warning: the following material may trigger or elicit cravings if you have had an issue with substance abuse.
GAY聽and bisexual men using crystal meth often develop fleeting relationships with each other that are exclusively focused on sex. Matthew Wade spoke to men about these unique relationships and how ice can also affect the relationships gay men have with their friends and family.
聽Finding a park bench in Sydney to sleep on every night, Alonso* was 15-years-old and homeless when he first tried crystal meth.
He鈥檇 been abandoned by his mother and was hungry, with little money for food.
A friend in the city offered him a place to crash and meth to keep his appetite satiated.聽Alonso swiftly began smoking it every day.
鈥淚 went from living in the Western suburbs of Sydney to being surrounded by a shitload of gay people who were all using drugs,鈥� he told the Star Observer.
鈥淚 didn鈥檛 have a connection to my family anymore and my entire social circle had changed to revolve around drug use and being gay.
鈥淚鈥檇 spend ten hours jerking off in front of the computer and my friend would do the same in his room 鈥� and when I overstayed my welcome I moved in with the drug dealer downstairs.鈥�
Drugs have been loosely tied to gay culture in Australia for a long time, in the form of an ecstasy pill taken before a night on the dance floor or a sniff of amyl to heighten one鈥檚 sexual pleasure.
They create fleeting and illusory bonds between gay men and can hold their users in a drug-fuelled bubble for hours on end until the sun rises.
But crystal meth is different. It has created an entirely new, intensified, and at times dangerous subculture for gay and bisexual men, one often predicated exclusively on sex.
Crystal meth itself is a crystallised form of methamphetamine and can be heated and smoked in a glass pipe, crushed up and snorted, or injected intravenously, depending on the high you鈥檙e after.
It releases dopamine into the part of the brain that regulates feelings of pleasure and pushes one鈥檚 sex hormones into overdrive.
It has also become a key player in the subculture around chemsex.
鈥淎 lot of people find sexual encounters awkward, but if you鈥檙e cracked off your head you don鈥檛 care about social cues, you鈥檙e just going off of pleasure with the person you鈥檝e just met,鈥� Alonso said.
鈥淎t a sex-on-premises venue you start talking to people and before you know it you鈥檙e in a room smoking meth with strangers, leaving every now and then to find someone to have sex with, before reconvening to smoke again.鈥�
Gay men using crystal meth form unique relationships with each other that are both innately intimate and detached at the same time, with sex always at the fore.
Whether they鈥檙e navigated via hook-up apps 鈥� 鈥榩arty and play鈥� often identifies one鈥檚 interest in chemsex 鈥� or in queer spaces, men often develop these brief and amorous bonds until the sex or the high has ended.
Alonso said men engaging in chemsex develop relationships with each other that solely revolve around meth, often meeting up under the guise of a social call despite both parties knowing it will purely be to take drugs.
鈥淕ay men find it difficult to connect with other gay men 鈥� but when you have the drug use in common, it gives you confidence and releases that barrier,鈥� he said.
鈥淚n my case it was often unspoken, not 鈥榣et鈥檚 meet up for drugs鈥� but more like oh you鈥檙e here, let鈥檚 smoke.
鈥淚t opened us up to chat our jaws away through the night and to have sex, even if I wasn鈥檛 necessarily sexually attracted to these people.鈥�
Chemsex enables men to form temporary relationships with each other centred on the drug, using chems and each other as a means to have longer and more enduring sex without the necessity of ever getting off.
Indulging in fantasy during the high, once the session has ended the men involved may never see each other again.
And with apps like Grindr or Scruff, one鈥檚 next hit could be less than a kilometre away.
While Alonso no longer uses crystal meth and found it relatively easily to stop, he said he has on occasion met up with someone on Grindr for sex on chems.
Earlier this year someone went to his house and injected crystal meth intravenously before the pair had sex.
鈥淲hen gay men accept their sexuality, they often accept the likelihood that they aren鈥檛 going to procreate, they might not get married, and they may not even end up in a long term relationship,鈥� he said.
鈥淥n top of that every time you have sex without a condom you worry you鈥檒l get a virus or disease, so it creates a culture where many men don鈥檛 give a fuck about their health.
鈥淎nd unfortunately more and more men are moving on from poppers [amyl] to crystal meth.
鈥淏ut while our relationships with the people in our lives aren鈥檛 always altered, we develop new social relationships with other gay men that are all about the drug.鈥�
As someone who has worked in gay men鈥檚 health for 25 years, Bill O鈥橪oughlin believes that at the centre of these new social relationships is a very sophisticated understanding of drugs and the experiences one will have on them.
So much so that men will form temporary relationships with other men and co-ordinate their drug use together to elevate their shared experience. And it doesn鈥檛 always end with crystal meth.
The night may be fuelled by meth, then tempered with Gina [GHB] to round it out, before using ketamine to intensify it 鈥� an itinerary that gay men may alter each time but follow alongside each other.
鈥淢en on a meth binge will end up hooking up with each other and because you鈥檙e in this suspended state, you鈥檒l stay at someone鈥檚 place for a couple of days,鈥� O鈥橪oughlin said.
鈥淭here will be people coming and going and you鈥檒l never have met them before, and you probably don鈥檛 have anything in common, but suddenly you鈥檙e stuck together.鈥�
When he first tried crystal meth, O鈥橪oughlin thought he鈥檇 taken speed [powdered amphetamine] but after a few days of being hypersexual he realised he鈥檇 taken something far stronger and intense.
And while he鈥檇 have sex with other men, some of whom had lined up various other men to sleep with over the course of the day, the experience alarmed him and he didn鈥檛 take it regularly.
鈥淵ou can function reasonably well up to a certain extent on it, so I鈥檇 use it on the weekend and feel rat shit on Monday and Tuesday, but I鈥檇 manage,鈥� he said.
However, being a highly addictive stimulant, not all men鈥檚 experiences with crystal meth are like this.
While an insular community and subculture can develop between gay men through chemsex, when it becomes a serious problem the relationships gay men hold outside of this bubble can also be severely affected.
鈥淚鈥檓 aware that a lot of gay men are experiencing problems with meth and it鈥檚 something that doesn鈥檛 get spoken about,鈥� O鈥橪oughlin said.
鈥淚 think that鈥檚 partly because we don鈥檛 want to stigmatise ourselves but also because there鈥檚 a lot of shame heaped on people who use meth.
鈥淕ay men who become highly addicted to meth stop socialising with friends, they get into trouble at work鈥� which can quickly turn into real trouble, where they鈥檝e lost their job, their apartment, and their friends.
鈥淚t鈥檚 not unusual to hear that these men have gone back to their parents鈥� home to recover.鈥�
O鈥橪oughlin added that it鈥檚 often hard for men to reconstruct their lives as gay men after they鈥檝e been involved in close relationships with other meth users and neglected others in their lives.
鈥淵ou鈥檒l hear them say they don鈥檛 know how to have sex without it, and will say they don鈥檛 know how to stop, because they own a phone and within 10 鈥� 15 minutes they can be right back in the middle of it,鈥� he said.
At the peak of his crystal meth addiction Luke Williams鈥� relationship with those in his life was heavily affected as he descended into psychosis, believing people close to him were trying to poison him.
鈥淚 thought there was a paedophile ring being run out of my local coffee club and that a woman visiting my house was my ex post-sex reassignment surgery as well,鈥� he said.
鈥淢y friends were like you鈥檙e freaking us out, we don鈥檛 understand what鈥檚 wrong, your behaviour鈥檚 weird.
鈥淚 didn鈥檛 realise how much the drug had affected me until long after I moved back in with my parents.鈥�
Williams recently wrote the book The Ice Age chronicling his experience with meth, from his first foray with speed at his 鈥榬ough as guts鈥� high school through to the intravenous crystal meth use he became addicted to while researching a story on it.
He believes the majority of people taking crystal meth aren鈥檛 violent or winding up in hospital, and that it鈥檚 the mental health impacts of the drug that primarily affect gay men and their relationships with those around them.
鈥淪ince about 2011 the powdered meth we were using in Australia was replaced with crystallised meth and its purity increased 鈥� but people still use it the same way they would ecstasy or cocaine,鈥� he said.
鈥淎nd the problem for the everyday ice user, because of how strong it is, is depression and anxiety.
鈥淚t cuts into your life and takes quality away from the relationships in it in a more subtle way.
鈥淵ou might continue using the drug and think you鈥檙e okay because you don鈥檛 have scabs on your face but it still might be making you feel anxious and depressed, and you stop striving for the natural things that bring you happiness like your relationships with friends and family.鈥�
For Williams it was a cycle of addiction.
鈥淭he more meth I used, the worse my anxiety got, and the worse my anxiety got, the more meth I used.鈥�
Crystal meth may at times create fleeting relationships between gay men around the drug and at other times negatively impact the relationships gay men have with family and friends, but all three interviewees agreed: stigma helps to prevent crystal meth users from seeking support if they need it or education around safer drug use.
鈥淲e need to provide clear information saying this is what crystal meth does, this is how it鈥檚 different to other drugs, these are the pros and cons, and here鈥檚 what you can do if you want or need help,鈥� Williams said.
If you鈥檙e seeking support and would like more information on crystal meth, visit .
*Alonso鈥檚 name was changed to protect his privacy.
