QUEER bars around Australia are meant to be safe spaces for young sexual and gender diverse people to explore their sexual identities, but for Thomas Banks they can become sites for rampant ableism.
In venues where able-bodied members of the LGBTI community can share an intimate moment without a second thought while busting a move to nineties-era Janet Jackson, Banks is often forced to consider how his mere presence is being perceived by those around him.
And in many cases, this perception is coloured by prejudice.
Born with mild cerebral palsy, Banks discovered his same-sex attraction as an adolescent when he caught himself checking out other men on the streets of Geelong.
As he grew older, he began to source sex and intimacy with other men in the dimly lit corridors of sex-on-premises venues, via hook-up apps, and over a drink in gay bars. However, these avenues didn鈥檛 always prove fruitful.
There were times when Banks would be kissing a handsome stranger he鈥檇 just met at a club when outsiders inexplicably stepped in and felt the need to intervene, assuming something must be inherently wrong with the situation.
鈥淎 few months ago when I was in Sydney I was hooking up with a guy but then his friends pulled him away from me and told security I was harassing him,鈥� he said.
鈥淭he security guard pulled me aside and said 鈥榶ou can鈥檛 harass them鈥�, so I had to talk to him so he understood what was going on.
鈥淭heir reaction was abusive, and it stemmed from a place of judgement.鈥�
In the past men have slammed their doors in Banks鈥� face, refused to speak to him, and harassed him, and he believes the rationale behind a lot of these encounters is quite transparent: people make the inaccurate assumption that all people with disabilities don鈥檛 have sex.
鈥淧eople don鈥檛 understand even today that I鈥檓 actually good in bed,鈥� he said.
鈥淭hey make these assumptions that queer people with disabilities don鈥檛 have sex 鈥� perhaps they think it might be too hard to do physically.
鈥淎nd they think we鈥檙e not great at it, but we are. Just because I can鈥檛 communicate the same way doesn鈥檛 mean I鈥檓 not a good lover, or boyfriend, or fuck buddy.鈥�
Banks believes many queer-friendly spaces and events in Australia could work on their inclusivity for the disabled community.
鈥淲e need more public events at things like Midsumma, and even in schools鈥� he said.
鈥淭hey could be more inclusive 鈥� there鈥檚 not enough conversation about it.鈥�
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Online porn often plays a role in shaping a young person鈥檚 understanding of sex and sexuality, and for
Jarrod Marrinon it became his outlet to safely chat with other same-sex attracted men.
There he could upload sexually-charged videos of himself to satiate the desires of others and flirt with users from around the world while being safeguarded from any prospective face-to-face vitriol or abuse.
Despite the geographic distance he鈥檇 placed between himself and those he was connecting with, he still faced ableism and discrimination from men that both reviled and revered his body.
鈥淚t was dangerous [back then] because it gave me a distorted view of what life was really like,鈥� he said.
While his diagnosis is currently ambiguous, Marrinon believes his disability lies somewhere between Leukodystrophy, a virus that attacks the white matter in the brain, and cerebral palsy.
He identifies as bisexual and despite using male pronouns, often plays with the fluidity of gender by wearing nail polish and expressing himself in a genderqueer fashion.
When he was younger he joined a porn website that he likened to Facebook – if every user was naked and horny.
The men he found and sparked online trysts with often fell into two categories on the site: abusive or 鈥榙evotee鈥�.
The former would deride Marrinon for his disability while the latter would get off on it.
鈥淎 鈥榙evotee鈥� is someone who鈥檚 attracted to someone with a disability, purely because they鈥檙e disabled,鈥� he said.
鈥淢y relationship with it is very complicated 鈥� I don鈥檛 mind if people find me attractive because of my wheelchair because I think it鈥檚 nice to be appreciated for who I am.
鈥淏ut there were some 鈥榙evotees鈥� that would get turned on by my limitations. One guy wanted me to put a glass on the ground and record myself struggling to pick it up.
鈥淭he idea of the guy getting off while I struggled with basic life wasn鈥檛 empowering at all.鈥�
Using online platforms like this has seen Marrinon cop discrimination from a number of men, whether veiled as a fetish or not. But for those that are far more accepting, Marrinon said there鈥檚 still a lack of awareness around sex and sexuality when it comes to the disabled community.
鈥淥nline and in real life people are happy to make out or have sex but at the end of the night they generally don鈥檛 want to go home with me,鈥� he said.
鈥淭here鈥檚 no discussion around what I can do in the bedroom and I don鈥檛 think people avoid asking questions because they don鈥檛 care, I think they just don鈥檛 want to know.
鈥淚f they think I might not be able to do something they鈥檒l go to someone else they know can. People stick to what they know, and that can be really hard to push through. That鈥檚 why I鈥檝e found it easier to have relationships with people with disabilities because that complication never needs to happen.鈥�
To combat the barrier between able-bodied people and their understanding of sex and sexuality when it comes to disabled people, Marrinon believes sex education is key.
鈥淭hey teach able-bodied straight sex to people with disabilities, even in special schools, and obviously never consider we鈥檇 be anything but straight,鈥� he said.
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There are a number of barriers to sexuality and relationship rights for people with intellectual disabilities according to Dr Patsie Frawley, senior lecturer in disability and inclusion at Deakin University.
An early problem contributing to the stigma around queer people living with disabilities can stem from those closest to them 鈥� family and carers.
Her research has found that parents and carers of people living with a disability who may be trying coming from a good place often don鈥檛 talk about sexuality in a positive light, if at all.
鈥淨uestions around autonomy when it comes to sexual expression is often not something that鈥檚 spoken about, and if it is it鈥檚 around restrictive approaches,鈥� she said.
鈥淲hen they do talk about it to their son, daughter, or client, it鈥檚 about all the things you can鈥檛 do 鈥� like that you can鈥檛 have a boyfriend over to stay.
鈥淲e find that a there鈥檚 a lot gatekeeping going on around information for disabled people around relationships and sex.鈥�
Frawley runs a program around disability and sexuality with the aim of allowing those in the community to express themselves and share their life stories.
鈥淧eople with an intellectual disability should be able to chat about things in their lives like sex and relationships and get their own information,鈥� she said.
鈥淲hat is currently out there is so narrowly focussed around the rules for what鈥檚 right and wrong for them.
鈥淥ur approach is to the life stories of people with disabilities. We鈥檝e gathered them and use them for others to think about, talk about, and provide an important layer of discussion to the public dialogue.鈥�
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Much like browsing the titles in a library or bookstore, Ayman Barbaresco believes people only look at his 鈥榗over鈥�, rather than the contents inside.
During his younger years he dealt with a number of medical complications including two brain tumours and a genetic disorder called Neurofibromatosis.
School was rough for Barbaresco, who was outed by one of his friends and subsequently subject to isolation in the classroom and in the schoolyard.
鈥淚t wasn鈥檛 until after school I was able to meet people, I travelled to Sydney quite a bit and that became my outlet into LGBTI culture,鈥� he said.
However, due to his physical appearance he said many often don鈥檛 pay him a second glance.
鈥淚鈥檓 only 147cm tall and I鈥檓 not fit or muscular, so because of that you don鈥檛 get looks in the gay community,鈥� he said.
鈥淭hey don鈥檛 talk to you. They just think 鈥榦h, whatever, he isn鈥檛 that tall鈥�, and they haven鈥檛 even gotten to know me yet.鈥�
When it comes to sex, Barbaresco believes some gay or bisexual men are worried when it comes to getting between the sheets with a disabled person.
鈥淚 think people are worried if they do something wrong they might hurt someone with a disability,鈥� he said.
鈥淥r they might not know what to do if I need to go to the doctor, or need an ambulance.
鈥淚t鈥檚 a lack of awareness 鈥� sure, I鈥檝e got faults but I am human after all and I am just as worthy as anyone else.鈥�
Barbaresco added that people in the community need to start a conversation with the people they encounter living with disabilities.
鈥淗ave discussions with us because you鈥檒l find we鈥檙e pretty awesome people,鈥� he said.
鈥淚 have a heart so why am I looked at differently, I鈥檓 no different to the guy you swipe right with on Tinder.鈥�
***
Ad鈥檓 Martin at times feels he鈥檚 more accepted as a gay man in the disability community than as a disabled man in the gay community.
The fear of being faced by homophobia and ableism from other queer men has weighed heavily on him in the past, compelling him to rapidly cut himself off from the possibility of intimacy or relationships.
鈥淪ometimes I鈥檓 confused as to whether I do get that discrimination from other men or if I do it to myself. I鈥檝e suffered with my own internalised fear,鈥� he said.
Martin, who describes himself as the 鈥榩ink sheep鈥� in his family, has lived with a neurological and neuromuscular condition his entire life. He was diagnosed as a teenager, around the same time he came out as gay and became afflicted with issues around mental illness.
He believes the media and proliferation of able-bodied, cis white men being championed as the beauty standard within the LGBTI community need to be challenged, as a means to foster a more inclusive environment for disabled people.
鈥淲e don鈥檛 talk about the things we do to ourselves,鈥� he said.
鈥淵ou see gay men that are going to the gym four times a week everywhere, and we [disabled people] don鈥檛 tend to fit in anywhere.
鈥淲hen was the last time you saw a wheelchair user on the front cover of DNA Magazine?鈥�
There are many who hold unfair misconceptions around what queer people can and can鈥檛 do in the bedroom, and Martin said it can be really disheartening.
鈥淚 can be chatting to someone online and be getting along with them on an intellectual level, but when I mention my wheelchair everything seems to change,鈥� he said.
鈥淪ometimes I think I should join a nunnery when it comes to sex 鈥� I think some guys are too afraid and don鈥檛 think I can do it.鈥�
Martin firmly believes that increased visibility is the key to ending the stigma surrounding people with disabilities and their sexual identities.
He tries to lead by example and hopes that if areas like public spaces, transport, and information can increase their inclusivity and accessibility, the rest will follow suit.
鈥淚鈥檓 here, I鈥檓 queer, and I鈥檝e got wheels 鈥� my presence is undeniable.鈥�
Star Observer feels passionately about members of our community that are underrepresented. If you’re living with a disability and fall under the LGBTI umbrella, we’d like to hear your story. Send an email to [email protected].
